Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.
This concept is crucial when you consider how a man feels when his significant other has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Often we focus on the woman and how she is feeling but the husband deserves some attention too. The journey can be long and men are typically not the primary focus when their partner is faced with a breast cancer diagnosis. However, understanding their coping mechanisms and getting them the type of support they need is critical.
At Michelle's Place Breast Cancer Resource Center, we have never had success in establishing an ongoing husbands/partners support group. This is not surprising because most men do not want to sit and discuss their problems, especially with people that they do not know well. Many men say it makes them feel worse to discuss their problems and prefer to focus on actions to improve the situation or cope by participating in activities that will distract them such as exercising or spending time with friends.
It seems to be the feeling of powerlessness that is the hardest for men. Many men cope by taking control of a challenging situation and focusing on a plan of action. It is truly a struggle to stand by and watch as their wife endures painful treatments and then have to deal with unknowns. All the while, their lives are turned upside down with changes in daily work life and household responsibilities. Add to this worries about children and changes in their relationships with their wives. Since most men like to fix problems, it is not surprising they rate their spouses cancer diagnosis as the worst thing that can ever happen to them - worse even than being diagnosed with cancer themselves.
If you know a man that is in this situation, I want to introduce you to a man that I admire and I only know him through his book. Mike Stalter has written a book called Still Have Faith. He wrote this book about about his experience with his wife's 17½-year battle with breast cancer. I admire Mike because he took the time to write this book with honesty. He does not romanticize the situation and turn it into a "made for tv" movie. He is candid...he readily admits he feels he could have done more. I am not going to spoil it for you though. I do recommend this book and I am donating 2 copies to our Michelle's Place library in hopes that it will help spouses/partners of our clients.
You can purchase the book on Mike's website at www.stillhavefaith.com or you can purchase the Kindle edition on Amazon. You can find him on Facebook too.
By searching at cancer more logically and showing an outpouring of assistance, it is the expect of many that one day cancer will be similar to very little more than the typical cold.
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Yes and you can help support Michelle's Place at http://www.michellesplace.org/you-can-help/help-support-fight-donate-today
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Let me start by saying thanks for the very kind words Amy. I don’t think that you need to apologize for offending anyone by your generalizations because men and women are different. In study after study men are shown to be less able to stand by their woman while she faces a serious illness especially cancer. I gave a speech a couple of times to some Relay For Life groups where I talked about an Oncologist who did his own study on his own patients and found the statistics appalling on men leaving their wives and girlfriends during cancer treatment. He found that only 3% of women left their men during treatment but that over 25% of men left their women in the first 6 months of treatment and the doctor’s comment was that it didn’t speak very well for his gender.
ReplyDeleteThe 2 things we as a society need to do is to ask why this happens and what we can do to change it. The first thing we need to do is to talk about why men leave while their loved one is sick. The second thing we need to do is to teach men they can stay with their women and that some men have learned the secret to staying with their wives and girlfriends while they are sick. Men have the fight or flight drive which seems to be a natural drive that has helped men since the beginning of time to survive. Typically a sickness is not something that a man can fight because he can’t get his hands on it to fight it, so at some point, realizing that he can’t punch, kick, or physically fight a sickness a man will flee.
I found the key is that we as men and women need to look at the sickness differently. It is something we can fight; only it is a mental fight. Most little boys dream of becoming heroes: firemen who pull people from burning buildings or soldiers saving a buddy in a war zone. I know I did when I was young. As cancer caregivers, men do not have to wade through smoke and fire or dodge enemy bullets. This is, however, an opportunity for them to become a hero; to help not just a stranger in need, but the one person they have pledged before God to be responsible for until death do them part, their wife. However for most wives and children heroes are ordinary people, husbands and dads who step-up in times of crisis and do what is right for their family, they become a caregiver and stay to fight the hardest fight they will ever be in.
I did something wrong with the computer so here is the rest of what I wanted to say. LOL
ReplyDeleteWe need to show men that if they want to be a hero they need to get their wife and children through this fight with love, support and optimism. If a man’s wife or girlfriend cannot rely on them who can? We need to tell men to not become one of those statistics who leaves their wife and thinks they can find another woman and become her hero because they cannot. It is not in them. If it sounds like I am being hard on men, I am. I was there. I know what staying with Mary, Tom, and Sarah meant to them and how hard of a fight it was on me.
I have read how Elizabeth Edwards reacted when she found out her husband; John Edwards had an affair while she was battling cancer. I can’t imagine the pain she suffered and it was because her husband wasn’t strong enough to stand with her and fight. I don’t know how I could look my children in the eye if I had done what John Edwards did. Staying and fighting for your wife or partner while she has cancer or any other sickness is a chance to show your love in ways she and your family will never forget. Men are the intangible support that boosts a woman’s immune system, gives her hope and helps her make it from one day to the next. In some cases a man staying may make the literal difference between life and death.
No one is saying this will be easy, but if we can show men how to fight and stay then they will have given their family and those around them a role model they will respect and carry with them forever. We need to teach men that they will be a towering legacy of strength, whether they feel strong or not with staying with their wife or girlfriend, they will have shown everyone how to cope with other tough times we all will surely face.
We need to ask men, will you be a hero like you wanted to when you were a little boy? Not all heroes were medals on their chests some wear their medals in the eyes of their wives and children. So we need to keep trying to have support groups for men even if we have to force them to go.
Thank you, Mike. You are truly amazing and such an inspiration. Hugs...
DeleteMike you are amazing! I couldn't have said it any better! I know through the "thick" of my cancer I could not have made it without my wonderful husband and my Dad. My husband kept the house running smoothly (which I of course worried it wouldn't without me), kids good, pets fed, dishes done and we were a newly "blended" family. I offered him an out. After two years of marriage, who would have thought at 42 Cancer would get me? I was supposed to be older, like my Mom! Well he didn't. He went to every appointment with me, held me when I cried, drove me when I couldn't and let the kids know that their Mom would be FINE! When all my surgeries were done and I felt like an old rag doll with scars everywhere I worried that would scare him off...Once again he stayed, kissed my scars and said NOTHING they can/will do to you will make me love you less..I was overwhelmed! We just celebrated our 11th anniversary and our youngest daughter (my natural daughter) said to him, "As step-fathers go, I could have done a lot worse. I am lucky to have you and I am glad you love my Mom so much"....His actions taught them VOLUMES, but the MOST important lesson when someone you love and care for gets sick, you don't run away. You run into the storm with them and hold their hand. I know our children are better people for his actions!
ReplyDeleteThanks Greta!! You husband sounds amazing also!! I am glad you found a guy to honor his marriage vows. This is how it is supposed to be and this is what I would want my wife to do if I were sick. I hope you and your husband tell your story to as many people as you can because we need more husbands that stay with their wives’ and families in bad times and less husbands like John Edwards who have no idea what honoring a marriage vow means!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am wondering if there are any online supports for men who have wives with breast cancer?
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